


Adventures in misquoting

by Proudtobeatheatrekid



Category: Firefly, Slings & Arrows
Genre: Gen, misattributing quotes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-06
Updated: 2015-11-12
Packaged: 2018-03-21 12:55:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3693102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Proudtobeatheatrekid/pseuds/Proudtobeatheatrekid
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"There will be struggle. There will be sacrifice. There will be tears, there will be the occasional fistfight. And in the end, there will be transformation." -Joss Whedon*</p><p>*Quote is actually from Slings and Arrows. This fic is all about misattributing Slings and Arrows quotes to firefly characters, and vice versa.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everyone Cries When They're Stabbed

**Author's Note:**

> I was sitting around with [Prospero](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Prospero/pseuds/Prospero) and we started finding random Slings and Arrows quotes and figuring out which Firefly character would say them. Then this fic happened. Prospero basically betaed because she's amazing and totally doesn't have twenty million other things to do (she does.)
> 
> The quote in the summary is actually said by Geoffrey Tennant in S02e01 of Slings and Arrows.

                “This may sting a bit,” said Simon, before pouring a generous amount of hydrogen peroxide on the wound.

                “ _Ta ma de_ ,” said Mal, his eyes watering. Inara clenched his hand harder.

                Simon paused his work, “Are—are you—crying?" he asked in disbelief.

                “No,” said Mal quickly.

                Inara scoffed. “Everyone cries when they’re stabbed, Mal. There’s no shame in that.”

                Mal glared at her and Simon went to resume his work, but was stopped again by a voice from the doorway. “Sometimes it’s best to just work through the tears.”

                “River, you shouldn’t be here,” said Simon.

                “I was helping!” she insisted before slipping away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes used in this chapter:  
> “Everyone cries when they’re stabbed. There’s no shame in that.” –Richard Smith-Jones, s01e04  
> “Sometimes it’s better to just work through the tears.” –Anna Conroy, s03e01
> 
> Chinese used in this chapter:  
>  _ta ma de_ \- damn It


	2. Are You a Suicide Risk?

                “We’re married,” said Zoe. “You can put us in the same cell.”

                The guard hesitated before shoving her into the cell with Wash and Mal. He jostled them all as he unlocked their cuffs before slamming and locking the door behind him.

                “Are any of you suicide risks?” he asked.

                “Isn’t everybody?” rebutted Wash.

                “I’m going to need all of your belts and shoelaces,” said the guard.

                Zoe sighed, removing her belt and demonstrating that her boots had zippers instead of laces. Mal did the same, handing over his own belt and shoelaces. Wash simply looked around, confused by the proceedings.

                “What? I wasn’t serious—you didn’t think I was serious, right? Honey, tell him I wasn’t serious! I’m not a—honey, not that I mind, but what are you doing?” Wash asked as Zoe started to remove his belt.

                “Making sure we don’t get in more trouble than we’re already in,” said Zoe.

                “Is that my fault? I feel like that’s my fault,” said Wash.

                “No, sweetie, it’s not your fault,” said Zoe.

                At the same time, Mal said “Yes!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes used in this chapter:  
> "Are you a suicide risk?"/"Isn't Everybody?" -Guard/Geoffrey Tennant, s01e04


	3. I Was Really Hoping You'd Say Something Constructive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some text taken from Firefly Episode "Objects in Space"

                “How come there’s a guy on board and how come you’re all of a sudden the ship?” Mal asked River, who was talking to him on the comm system in his cabin.

                “I know you have questions,” responded River.

                “That would be why I just asked them.”

                “Captain, you know what you should do?”

                “What?” Mal asked, hopeful.

                “Go crazy!” said River, and started laughing.

                Mal sighed. “I was _really_ hoping you’d say something constructive.”

                “I have a plan!” River defended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes used in this chapter:  
> “You know what you should do?”/“What?”/“Go crazy!”/“I was _really_ hoping you’d say something constructive” –Sanjay/Richard Smith-Jones s02e04


	4. Obviously the Emotions Contained Within These Relationships are Very Complex

                “Atherton asked me to be his personal companion,” said Inara.

                “And you said yes.”

                “Mal, it’s complicated. He—"

                “Is the man you love, the man who pays you to have sex with him. Obviously the emotions contained within these relationships are very complex,” Mal said.

                “Mal! Calm down! I said no!” Inara shouted back.

                “Oh,” said Mal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes used in this chapter:  
> “…the man you love, the man who pays you to have sex with him. Obviously the emotions contained within these relationships are very complex.” –Darren Nichols s03e02


	5. You've Got to Have Some Spectacular Cock-Ups

                Niska smiled at Mal after Zoe had exited, slowly walking towards him, “At the end of it all,” he said, “you’ve got to have some spectacular cock-ups.” Niska motioned for the Interrogator to pick up a new tool. “Because then you’ll have stories.” He motioned and the Interrogator pressed the device to Mal’s chest and delivered an electric shock. “And then—you had a life.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes used in this chapter:  
> “At the end of it all, you’ve got to have some spectacular cock-ups” “Because then you’ll have stories” “and then—you had a life” –Frank/Cyril s03e04


	6. Because you Were a Bitter, Sarcastic Prick

                “Welcome back to Serenity, Inara,” said Mal.

                Inara rolled her eyes and started for the door of the shuttle that was once hers.

                “Inara, is it really  going to be like this again?” asked Mal, stopping her.

                “I don’t know, Mal. Are you really going to ignore me again?”

                “It’s lonely at the top!” Mal defended. “Why do you think I could never sustain a relationship?”

                “I don’t know, Mal, maybe because you’re a bitter, sarcastic prick and you hate everyone,” Inara said, calmly walking out of the shuttle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes used in this chapter:  
> “It’s lonely at the top! Why do you think I couldn’t sustain a relationship?” “Because you were a bitter, sarcastic prick and you hated everyone.” –Oliver Wells/Geoffrey Tennant s01e04


	7. I Can't Comfort You, I'm On Hold!

                Mal sneaked into Inara’s shuttle after Saffron made him dinner, hoping she wouldn’t dare to follow.

                “Get out,” said Inara without looking at him.

                “I’m hiding!” insisted Mal. “From my wife.”

                “Mal, I can’t comfort you right now, I’m on hold.” She gestured to the cortex screen that was displaying the message: “ _Thank you for holding.”_          

                “I ain’t askin’ for comfort, just a hiding spot!”

                “Well, I’m not offering that either. Get out,” finished Inara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes used in this chapter:  
> “I can’t comfort you, I’m on hold!” –Richard Smith-Jones s01e02


	8. I'm just detail-oriented!

                “If you want me to do a proper autopsy—" offered Simon.

                “Cut him up?” asked Kaylee, horrified.

                “Not just yet, thank you, Doctor.”

                “Robot,” muttered Kaylee.

                “What? I’m not heartless, Kaylee! I’m just—detail-oriented.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes used in this chapter:  
> “What? I’m not heartless, I’m just—detail-oriented!”-Richard Smith-Jones s02e02


	9. I found something that might cheer you up

                “Well,” said Mal through the darkness of their cell. “I found something that might cheer you up.”

                “You found a gun?” asked Zoe.

                “No, I—Zoe! You ruined it!” Mal scolded. “I found a candle.”

                “Matches too?” asked Zoe.

                “Well…no,” Mal admitted.

                “That doesn’t cheer me up, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes used in this chapter:  
> “Well, I found something that might cheer you up.” “You found a gun?” –Geoffrey Tennant/Oliver Wells s03e02


	10. This is a pissed off face

The lock was blasted from the other side and Jayne hesitated for a moment before he realized it was Mal and Zoe. “It’s so good to see a friendly face,” he said with relief.

“This is not a friendly face,” countered Mal, “this is a pissed off face.”

River giggled and all five of them disappeared to go back to Serenity before they got caught. Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes used in this chapter:  
> "It's so good to see a friendly face" "This is not a friendly face. This is a pissed off face."  
> Oliver Welles and Geoffrey Tennant, s02e02


	11. Goose Juggling in Berlin

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little different... it's a Firefly quote misattributed to Slings and Arrows characters.

“What I would try to do with this production,” said Darren, “is show that everyone is different!”

Geoffrey leaned forward, “and did you learn this amazing fact while you were in Berlin?” he asked sarcastically.

“In fact, I did,” rebutted Darren, “did you know that some people juggle geese?”

“In Berlin?” asked Geoffrey skeptically.

“In Berlin, yes,” sighed Darren. “Although I’m sure the ability to juggle geese is not exclusive to Berlin, they were simply free to do it there. And amazing, it was.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quotes used in this chapter:  
> "Some people juggle geese"  
> Hoban "Wash" Washburne, "Our Mrs. Reynolds"


End file.
